ALLEZ CUISINE!

     I love Iron Chef. It's the best show ever.  It's almost campy, but ends up being completely genuine.  After all, we have contests of trying to put balls in holes that we take seriously, why not cooking?  I love everything about the show.  The food, the music, the commentary, the theatrics/story: it's wonderful.

     But Iron Chef America sucks.  There isn't the same rivalry they have in the original: even when they have some competitive spirit, there's no real pride or honour, there's no respect.  It seems like they don't take cooking as seriously. It's not their profession, it's their job.  Overall, the commentary isn't as insightful, though Alton Brown is certainly a fantastic commentator (I'd say as good as the originals.)  They put no effort into the story, or presentation: the food is supposed to stand alone.  And, how can it?  Frankly, the chefs on ICA aren't of the same caliber as the originals.  The creations never look (or even sound) as good, and don't show the same skill or creativity.  It ends up typical of boisterous-America: loud, irritating, and without substance.

     So, it's time to make a new version; a truly world version of Iron Chef.  Nine chefs chosen from around the world: Japanese, Chinese, Thai, French, English, Italian, Mid-Eastern, Bavarian/Russian, and Latin.   Each from the region of their cooking, and each a true master of cuisine.  Judges would also be internationally chosen, as to avoid a 'home-taste advantage.'  The stadium would be as grand as CS-I, but have the professional appliances of CS-II. Costumes would of course be required, to keep with the grandiose nature of the program.  Commentary would be done in the original style (a host and color commentator joined by one or two judges, with a floor-commentator to provide details,) but would involve Alton Brown (by kidnapping if necessary.)  CS-III will be high in the mountains in an undisclosed location.  To compensate, the battles will be lengthened to 90 or 120 minutes.  I haven't decided whether to use the score from Blackdraft, or an original.  The story will be as grand as the original, with the chairman frequently traveling by stagecoach, always beginning stories with "If memory serves..."